Hear ye hear ye...who's calling you?

After a long hiatus off of blogger world, I'm back. I just got back from Atlanta for a support raising conference with Campus Crusade. It was a refreshing time to meet with friends and talk about our experiences in the past 2 months.

We had to have our presentations of how we would ask a potential supporter to come on our ministry team recorded and critiqued. My critique was suprrising. I wish it had been all about making sure my posture was good (it wasn't), lack of mumbling (I did), and direct eye contact. However, my critique had to do with how unconvincing I sounded in my own calling of why I want to work with Campus Crusade.

Talk about a shot in the gut. Sometimes I felt if there had been a Mr. Crusade contest at UNC I would've won. I went to all the meetings and was very active in college, so how could anyone question my calling to an organization that helped me grow in my relationship with God?

I knew what this meant. Deep soul-searching for the motivations for what I am doing. I am not looking forward to it, but it made me see a few thigns about myself regarding my calling.

The first is that my calling to Crusade, and ministry in general, is hugely based on the amount of success that ministry has. As I was studying some of the examples in the Bible of people who were called, I asked myself, "If I didn't see any fruit in ministry, would I still want to pour my life to serving in this capacity?" Sadly, I believe the answer is no. My ministry is driven by success, positive results. I see this in how I respond when people choose not tos upport my ministry. I get angry with them. I judge their spirituality (sorry to those of you who this is true of, I am just being honest). I see them as being "all bad" if they don't support me and "all good" angelic beings sent from the good Lord if they do.

What does this mean? Support raising and ministry (and life) is really all about me. If I can PRODUCE a product that reaps benefits to me and those around me, I am content and satisfied. If not, I am angry, desiring success that other ministers have, and feel like a disappointment.

I've always heard that it's very tempting to make ministry about me and what I can produce, but it has hit me square in the chest. Would I really be ok if nobody came to Christ, nobody believed me, nobody liked me, nobody reaped any seen benefit of my labor? The answer is No. But I am asking God to change this. To make me more like Christ in that he did the will of His Father more than of his own desires. Jesus was tempted in every way yet without sin. He was tempted to be a God of showmanship by Satan (Matthew 4), yet he regarded the will of the Father more than his own will.

I want to be driven by the voice and word of my heavenly father, not by selfish ambition to make more of me. After all, I have been crucified with Christ, therefore I no longer live.. and my body is a temple of the Lord, I've been bought with a price...

I need continual confirmation of my calling, because I do believe I have been called by God to this ministry. Yet if I take my eyes of what he's done for me through the gospel, and what his word says, I will be distracted into making ministry about me, rather than Him.

Suggested reading "In the name of Jesus" by Henri Nouwen